First day of school

This would be a lot easier without the irritation and cognitive slowness. I need my brain back.

Tomorrow will be better.....

That's all folks.....

Today was the first day in 15 years without Xanax. I am unspeakably proud.

All day I kept checking my pocket to make sure that my pill holder was there. I didn't realize how often I do that...but now I can stop. No need to carry meds around with me.

I wanted to be done before school starts and it starts tomorrow. I'm not actually done. I still need to get off of the transition meds and my GABA ain't where it should be. But I no longer take Xanax. That's it.

Ain't much left of that little white pill

We are back from Lake Michigan and on the day we left Saugutuck, I did it. I cut that last little Xanax pill/day in half and am now down to .125mg or half a pill a day.

That is like nothing....and yet it is definitely something to my body. I can and do cry at the drop of a hat, I can't remember words, I am confused. Today I was sitting in my car at a red light. The light turned green and I sat there thinking, "Green light. Now that means something. Why does that ring a bell?" Motorists behind me gave me the reminder I needed but this is a little scary. Especially when we are dealing with Dad and Minnette and dementia. Move over old folks and make way for the latest member of the Can't Remember Shit Club.

Seriously confused but goin' down

I am addled and fuzzy brained. Yesterday I was trying to find my way to a party at a coteacher's house and I got loster than I have ever been before. I drove up and down the highway looking for her addition, pissed as hell that she didn't even know the name of the addition she lived in because that addition was certainly not on this highway. I turned in at the addition I decided must be the correct one and then was furious with her for having the names of all the streets wrong. What the hell was wrong with this woman! She didn't know the names of streets near her house! After 30 confused and really pissed off minutes, I figured out that the highway that I was driving up and down looking for the addition she didn't know the name of was the wrong highway! Never occured to me that I might be mistaken....I was positive that she was an idiot.

Combine "confused" and "irritable" and you have one ugly disposition.



But despite golden moments like this, I'm goin' down. Starting tomorrow, my dose of Xanax will be .25. I am proud....and terrified!

Back from the lake

Not a bad place to go through withdrawal....I could always get in the pool and swim away my cares! Patty and I did quite well and even though at times I felt irritable enough to do bodily harm to one of us, I never did and what's more, I remained polite. I just had to be careful about regular meals and dosages and enough sleep.

A great week with a good friend.

Getting technical....

...and citing sources. This comes from Dr. Heather Ashton at www.benzo.org.uk/ and if you go to the website and look at the photo of the lady, you will be assured that she knows her stuff. (I did a slight bit of editing to shorten the passage.)

(1) Dosage tapering. There is absolutely no doubt that anyone withdrawing from long-term benzodiazepines must reduce the dosage slowly. Abrupt or over-rapid withdrawal can give rise to severe symptoms and may increase the risk of protracted withdrawal symptoms. Slow withdrawal means tapering dosage gradually, usually over a period of some months. The aim is to obtain a smooth, steady and slow decline in blood and tissue concentrations of benzodiazepines so that the natural systems in the brain can recover their normal state.

Long-term benzodiazepines take over many of the functions of the body's natural tranquilliser system, mediated by the neurotransmitter GABA. As a result, GABA receptors in the brain reduce in numbers and GABA function decreases. Sudden withdrawal from benzodiazepines leaves the brain in a state of GABA-underactivity, resulting in hyperexcitability of the nervous system. This hyperexcitability is the root cause of most of the withdrawal symptoms. However, a sufficiently slow, and smooth, departure of benzodiazepines from the body permits the natural systems to regain control of the functions which have been damped down by their presence. There is scientific evidence that reinstatement of brain function takes a long time. Recovery after long-term benzodiazepine use is not unlike the gradual recuperation of the body after a major surgical operation. Healing, of body or mind, is a slow process.
The precise rate of withdrawal is an individual matter. It depends on many factors including the dose and type of benzodiazepine used, duration of use, personality, lifestyle, previous experience, specific vulnerabilities, and the (perhaps genetically determined) speed of your recovery systems. Usually the best judge is you, yourself; you must be in control and must proceed at the pace that is comfortable for you. Actually, the rate of withdrawal, as long as it is slow enough, is not critical. Whether it takes 6 months, 12 months or 18 months is of little significance if you have taken benzodiazepines for a matter of years.

So thank you Dr. Ashton for being informative, unarrogant and humane. In my experience, those characteristics are rare in a psychiatrist.

Thanks!

For the kind words about sissiness.

I did some more reading and Xanax usage does something to the GABA (not sure what that is) production in your brain (so since it's part of the brain, it probably is darn important). My poor brain is pretty hyperactive right now because of us messing with this GABA stuff and that is what is causing the withdrawal symptoms. This same source says that the person coming off Xanax needs to be in control of the reduction schedule and that hurrying is not a good idea.

So after a good Friday with Stew and El but a rotten today, I'm going to go to Lake Michigan and see what watching the waves plus a little more time to heal does to all this GABA chaos.