Seriously confused but goin' down

I am addled and fuzzy brained. Yesterday I was trying to find my way to a party at a coteacher's house and I got loster than I have ever been before. I drove up and down the highway looking for her addition, pissed as hell that she didn't even know the name of the addition she lived in because that addition was certainly not on this highway. I turned in at the addition I decided must be the correct one and then was furious with her for having the names of all the streets wrong. What the hell was wrong with this woman! She didn't know the names of streets near her house! After 30 confused and really pissed off minutes, I figured out that the highway that I was driving up and down looking for the addition she didn't know the name of was the wrong highway! Never occured to me that I might be mistaken....I was positive that she was an idiot.

Combine "confused" and "irritable" and you have one ugly disposition.



But despite golden moments like this, I'm goin' down. Starting tomorrow, my dose of Xanax will be .25. I am proud....and terrified!

Back from the lake

Not a bad place to go through withdrawal....I could always get in the pool and swim away my cares! Patty and I did quite well and even though at times I felt irritable enough to do bodily harm to one of us, I never did and what's more, I remained polite. I just had to be careful about regular meals and dosages and enough sleep.

A great week with a good friend.

Getting technical....

...and citing sources. This comes from Dr. Heather Ashton at www.benzo.org.uk/ and if you go to the website and look at the photo of the lady, you will be assured that she knows her stuff. (I did a slight bit of editing to shorten the passage.)

(1) Dosage tapering. There is absolutely no doubt that anyone withdrawing from long-term benzodiazepines must reduce the dosage slowly. Abrupt or over-rapid withdrawal can give rise to severe symptoms and may increase the risk of protracted withdrawal symptoms. Slow withdrawal means tapering dosage gradually, usually over a period of some months. The aim is to obtain a smooth, steady and slow decline in blood and tissue concentrations of benzodiazepines so that the natural systems in the brain can recover their normal state.

Long-term benzodiazepines take over many of the functions of the body's natural tranquilliser system, mediated by the neurotransmitter GABA. As a result, GABA receptors in the brain reduce in numbers and GABA function decreases. Sudden withdrawal from benzodiazepines leaves the brain in a state of GABA-underactivity, resulting in hyperexcitability of the nervous system. This hyperexcitability is the root cause of most of the withdrawal symptoms. However, a sufficiently slow, and smooth, departure of benzodiazepines from the body permits the natural systems to regain control of the functions which have been damped down by their presence. There is scientific evidence that reinstatement of brain function takes a long time. Recovery after long-term benzodiazepine use is not unlike the gradual recuperation of the body after a major surgical operation. Healing, of body or mind, is a slow process.
The precise rate of withdrawal is an individual matter. It depends on many factors including the dose and type of benzodiazepine used, duration of use, personality, lifestyle, previous experience, specific vulnerabilities, and the (perhaps genetically determined) speed of your recovery systems. Usually the best judge is you, yourself; you must be in control and must proceed at the pace that is comfortable for you. Actually, the rate of withdrawal, as long as it is slow enough, is not critical. Whether it takes 6 months, 12 months or 18 months is of little significance if you have taken benzodiazepines for a matter of years.

So thank you Dr. Ashton for being informative, unarrogant and humane. In my experience, those characteristics are rare in a psychiatrist.

Thanks!

For the kind words about sissiness.

I did some more reading and Xanax usage does something to the GABA (not sure what that is) production in your brain (so since it's part of the brain, it probably is darn important). My poor brain is pretty hyperactive right now because of us messing with this GABA stuff and that is what is causing the withdrawal symptoms. This same source says that the person coming off Xanax needs to be in control of the reduction schedule and that hurrying is not a good idea.

So after a good Friday with Stew and El but a rotten today, I'm going to go to Lake Michigan and see what watching the waves plus a little more time to heal does to all this GABA chaos.

Feeling like a sissy...

....but decided not to do a reduction this week. A unanimous decision because it is time for a breather.

Dilemma

So tomorrow I see Jerry and we decide about another reduction...down to .375mg! But I leave on Sunday for a week with Patty at Lake Michigan. Do I do the reduction and figure that I can't feel miserable for long in one of my favorite places? Or do I take a week off of this reduction regiman? Thinking, thinking....

I'm irritable

'Nuff said.

Shopping

Not a good idea to go to the mall at this point in time. Didn't know that until I went to the mall. Not a fun trip.

I do not like evenings

I feel pretty good all day but once evening comes and I start to ache and my stomach hurts and I feel anxious, all of those things fall like a ton of bricks. I would not be so dramatic but right now it is evening and so everything is multiplied and Drama is my middle name.

We had a great time with Sam and Gail...besides really liking them (that goes without saying!), I'm starting to really like Cincinnati. Interesting and beautiful place.

Kate and I had a scrap-and-crab party this afternoon. Then we'd remember our resolution not to crab and just scrap for awhile. Maybe this is a side effect and part of the irritability but I am definitely having trouble letting go of things that seem unfair, wrong, unjust or just plain stupid. It doesn't matter if these things are beyond my control, I still seem to need to chew on them and chew on them and then chew some more. Relax Meg, relax!

Down to .5mg

I saw Jerry yesterday and we decided to keep moving down....my dosage is now only .5mg and that is a tiny amount! He said that I am doing well and I beamed. So now I am starting a new regime of taking one of these pills only 4 times daily instead of 5 times daily. Exciting but scary.

I showed him a tiny but lethal looking bite on my ankle and he said "Oh!" or "Oh...." or "Oooh!" or "Oooh...." Stew and I can't quite agree on the inflection. I took it to mean shock, horror and concern, Stew thought it showed mild clinical interest. Either way, I have what is probably a spider bite, in itself absolutely horrifying. I need cream to 1. stop the spread of venom throughout my system (Meg) or 2. make it feel better (Stew). I also had to get a prescription for an antibiotic in case it gets more infected. I'm checking it every 10 minutes or so to be sure I get right on it when it goes septic.

We are having fun with Sam and Gail...big day planned with working on the kitchen cupboards, a trip to Ikea, sewing pillows, eating, and hopefully time for a mother-son swim.

Oh dear

Remember the fellow I plowed down in the pool? The next time I saw him, I looked more closely and with a gentler eye and it was obvious that he has had a stroke. He probably never even saw me because one side of his face, when I looked with my gentler eye, was involved. Also the arm on that side. Oh dear....

I decided that I can't make amends to him directly because that would make too big a deal out of this and possibly scare him out of the water for the rest of his days. After all, he probably thinks it was an accident instead of a hit-and-run. So my amends are to remember this incident and to keep in the forefront of my mind that: 1. My snap judgements are likely to be wrong 2. Even if it feels like a big deal, it probably isn't 3. Kindness matters and I want to be kind (even when going through withdrawal).

Kindness and patience are becoming a bit harder as I take away that chemical and adjust but I can do this! Today I see Jerry again and hopefully move down another notch. Then Stew and I head out to spend a couple of funfilled days with Sam and Gail in Cincinnati.