Back home again

We had an interesting and enjoyable trip to the Chicago area for our great-nephew Eli's 1st birthday. So much happened and I'm not sure what all had to do with xanax withdrawal and what was just a good old time.

I found myself being very teary....when I saw Eli for the first time since last September, when I saw Matt walking toward me, when I was talking with Minnette (and not from the pain of annoyance), when we were visiting the assisted living home where she will be moving, when I gave El her gift, when I saw Samantha's face as we went in to the American Girl Place. Not sure whether to attribute this to Xanax stuff or just tenderheartedness.

And then there was the intense protective irritation when that kid named Sammy was being such a butt at the party. His mouth was fresh and he physically hurt Ian and I got controlled crazy. I called that kid on his behavior and, when his dad insisted, told him the story too. Was this good adult behavior or a sign of intense irritability?

One thing I learned was to be very careful about taking all my meds ON TIME, to be very careful about what I eat, and to take pain meds as needed. When I was a couple of hours late with a dose of Xanax, I was such a mess that I wondered whether I could even do this withdrawal stuff. And I had some pretty uncomfortable stomach issues on top of it. Plus too much pain. The next day I was careful and felt much better. Whew!

Highlights: being with the baby, seeing Matt and Mer, our trip to the American Girl Place (I almost didn't go and I am so glad that I pulled it together and went), the night the Blooms ruled the pool, being with Stew and our kids, giving El her album. Not bad for being away from home during the withdrawal crud! Good for me!

Bad time of day

It's early evening (6:44 PM, also know as mid evening during the school year) and I think I just feel lousy by this time of day. If something hurts, it will hurt now. If something feels sick, now it will feel sicker. If something is sad, now it is close to devastating. After having said all that, on the up side, this has been not bad so far. I see Jerry tomorrow and will go down another half pill...then we'll see what happens.

Physical therapy is interesting. If I didn't trust the people and the process, I'd swear this was quackery. They shoot my ankle with electricity which makes it jump and do silly things. They zap it with ultrasound which must be magic because nothing seems to be happening but they swear by it. They do soft tissue augmentation which feels like something Bob and Denny would have done to me when I was a kid...sort of like a long Dutch rub with much pain. They pack ice around it which makes it icy (at least I understand that concept). It doesn't feel better but it does feel tingly, roughed up and cold. I guess this is progress because these are the people who rehabilitated my knee and they did that quite well.

And Kate, I too am going to trade one drug for another. I don't have any wine but tonight will be a beer night. Thanks for the suggestion.

Side effects

They're kicking in....achy and sore, weepy and irritable, upset stomach.

I was still able to work in the garden and play Racko with Ian, Samantha and Stew. Not a bad day. I just don't want it to get any worse.

Okay. So maybe....

...I'm getting to be a trifle irritable. But this one guy in Water Aerobics at the Y is such a Dumb Fuck.

Everyone in Water Aerobics is congenial, everyone shares, everyone is polite and helpful...except for the Dumb Fuck. When we do exercises, everyone has sort of an area and you watch out for each other's spot....but not the DF. He will be coming right at you with nary a swerve or a monitoring of his water chops. It's up to you to get out of his way.

Since I'm one of the tallest people (a lot of little old ladies whose spines have started to collapse are in this class), he and I end up in the same general area and I am tired of always having to dodge him. After a good 60 minutes of being the one who always moved (and I might add, he never smiled a thank you and that is just good pool etiquette), I decided no more. As the DF and I came at each other doing our powerful Cross Country Skiing moves, I just knocked into him. And folks, I will do it again until he learns some manners.

Oh yes, he shot me a dirty look but he doesn't know he is just a DF dealing with an irritable Xanax withdrawer. So take that buster and just wait until tomorrow, you sorry son-of-a-bitch. (Like I said, I'm a tad irritable.)

This ain't bad!

If it doesn't get any worse than this, I am just fine! A little stomach upset, a small headache ...nothing to write about. That's the way I like it!

While Chad worked on the shed this evening and Stew worked at his Second Life job, Kate and I stayed busy making something for Ellen. So El, get very excited because this is cool! You can have it on Saturday after Eli gets his gifts.

Dreaded Day 3

Hey, this isn't so bad! A little achy but nothing alarming! Let's keep going.....

Day 2 of Reduction 1

I feel okay....but then I expected to feel okay. Anytime I have done a reduction, things are fine until the dreaded day 3.

Since I'm paying close attention, I'd say that my stomach is a bit queasy, my energy level a bit low, and I can feel anxiety sort of like an undercurrent beneath my skin.

I went to the Y for a couple of hours in the water, met with a concerned parent for awhile, did physical therapy, and then pretty much was finished for the day. Ian, Scout and Nick were here when I got home so I enjoyed hearing about their Summer Center day. This is a quiet weekend so we'll see how that goes. So far, so good.

Doctor Dearth Visit #4: 1st pill gone

I have been discussing this withdrawal with Dr. Dearth and also my former psychiatrist for months. I made the decision to ditch the psychiatrist when he told me that I would fail at this ...plus he has also ticked me off numerous times over the years. God love him, there was a time and place for him. That time and place has passed.

Dr. Dearth, hereafter known as Jerry, was open to helping me with this and has been encouraging and supportive. Jerry started me on Klonapin, another benzodiazepine a week ago. This seems counterintuitive...get off anxiety meds by adding another anxiety med. But the Klonapin will help with the withdrawal symptoms (we all hope and pray) and is much easier to quit later on.

My directions: cut my blood pressure meds in half because the Klonapin has lowered my bp to the point where I have as much energy and pep as a stick of furniture. Take Benedryl for help in sleeping. Drink beer or wine as long as I don't get carried away. Continue to go to the Y for water aerobics and then ride my bike later in the day. Keep a structure to my days.

What to expect: Withdrawal symptoms. Much anxiety and irritability, physical sensations like palpitations and sweating. Jerry said it could get bad and if it does, I should give him a call. I can also use deep breathing and all the other anxiety tools I have learned over the years.

I feel like I am jumping into deep water! Here I go.....

I hate Xanax

Okay, there was a time when Xanax was a lifesaver, an absolute necessity. However, that was 15 years ago. At that time I was not told that this drug is never meant to be used for more than 6 weeks nor was I told that it is extremely addictive. Most experts say the benzodiazepines (like Xanax and its cousin Valium) are the hardest drug to get off. And so I have found myself in a real pickle with this stuff.

It's not necessary for me to take Xanax anymore but I have taken it for years and years because withdrawal from this stuff really sucks. I'm quite proud of myself...over the years I weaned down from 4mg daily to my current dose of .875 mg. That weaning was in increments of .125mg and each step down was excruciating...or if not excruciating, pretty damn miserable. Once I got down to 1mg daily about 5 or 6 years ago, I figured "Screw it. I will take this the rest of my life because I am done with withdrawal."

Then I did more reading and thinking...what is the long term effect of this stuff? How could I not be better off without it? Why on earth would I take a drug I don't need? Aren't I constantly in a state of "little withdrawal" since this dose is no longer effective in anyway? Isn't this what I have been working so hard in therapy for...to be free of old crutches that no longer help me? So here I go...now is the time to get off of this stuff for good and today is the day I began, again, to go through Xanax withdrawal.

I'm going to write my way along as I do this. Stew suggested that it might help and that sounds right to me. I'll fill in background and probably do much swearing and moaning as I go. Today I'm going down .125mg...